Why Share the same bedroom with your spouse? By OLAWALE OBADEYI

Life, I have come to understand, would be a lot simpler and better if we learnt to dispense with a whole load of hang-ups and a baggage of unnecessary `thou shall nots’ in marriage. Whether some men are willing to accept
it or not, we have been buff eted hither and thither, for too long, by something close to an obsession with struggling to live up to our wives’ expectations or literally living our lives in ways that seek to satisfy them, in spite of ourselves. And the rankling part ?
All to no avail. Make no mistake about it, I do no such thing as attempting to rig up a discontent in any home. All I seek is getting us to refl ect, for a while, on how to be a bit more at ease in our marriages. And that will mean just one thing: being not miserable wife pleasers but clear-headed and pleasant husbands. Maybe it bears restating that the best marriage is one that is enjoyed and not merely endured like one quotidian drudgery or routine. What use is any union if the husband and wife barely live through it like two prisoners locked in by one condition or another, which they would rather vehemently reject were they to truly give vent to their gut feelings?
I tell you, even the idea of marriage – in itself – presupposes that two different persons, with distinct backgrounds, worldviews, temperaments, habits, tastes etc. will live together, in spite of themselves, daily reading each other like a manual and seeking to come to terms, each with each, as they mature in marriage. This means the alliance will only work when both respect and abide by each other’s individual differences. Perhaps one of the most time-worn arguments adduced for a lasting marriage is the need for husbands and wives to sleep in the same bedroom. True, the bonding between Mr. and Mrs. will get a greater boost when they sleep and wake up together, day-in, day-out, on the same bed. But that is just one prism from which the issue can be assessed. For me, nothing really changes as long as husband and wife live under the same roof. Indeed, the wall between couples who sleep in separate rooms will crumble if and when they take each other’sfeelings seriously, at all times.

Considering, for instance, the fundamental differences in the psychographics and personalities of a man and a
woman, the idea of couples sharing the same bedroom may not be such a good one. Imagine that a man comes back home after a hectic day at work. As you know, every job must, of necessity, make its own demands. All the man is likely to desire, at the end of such a day, will be his dinner and a restful night. But women, being who they are, will always be willing to engage in small talk. From the most trivial to the most sentimental issues, a woman always requires the listening ear of the man. And when he is in no mood to give her a hearing, she buckles under the impact. If she is extremely sensitive, she misconstrues the situation as the onset of rejection. Tension begins to set in. Again, the romance of marriage, which is usually so intense in the early stages, when the children are yet to arrive, gives way the moment they do. I really cannot explain how, but the wife’s attention gradually shifts from her man to the new addition(s) to the family. What then happens to the bonding which people say derives from husband and wife sharing the same bedroom? There are other inevitable personal preferences that also bear critical examination. What if a man sleeps better with the lights off and the woman will rather have it the other way to ward off nightmares or for some other reason only she can tell? Suppose the wife is a freak for the airconditioner and the man’s health hardly brooks any such indulgence? Will the couple be any less in love or fond of each other by sleeping in separate rooms? Marriage, my dear brothers, is such a complex institution. No single man can claim to really have a complete handle on it. Not even age or several years in marriage confers any such advantage. If cultural validators and defenders of the traditionalist school are not to be left out, some men have argued that it is unAfrican for men to share the same bedroom with their wives. Doing so, they claim, can do a man in spiritually. See? To the faithful of the Christian and Islamic religions, marriage is a Godordained institution. So, a man must be one with his wife, love her and give heed to her every desire. Good enough. But sharing the same bedroom or not, a man, in my view, will love and cherish his wife, regardless. All it takes is mutual understanding. And it is also possible that some husbands and wives sleeping in the same bedroom are perpetual strange bedfellows, always at each other’s throats at the slightest opportunity. I think love grows fonder and marriages are the stronger for it when couples do not force-feed themselves with suffocating attention when the timing is not right. I am sure love cannot be so blind, inconsiderate and selfish not to know an off-day. The fact of a man being a woman’s life partner should be enough assurance that he will always be there for her. When he is tired, busy or has a lot on his mind, please appreciate it. Soothe him, madam, with a few encouraging words and a knowing goodnight kiss. A man who comes home to an understanding wife will get better, with each day of the marriage, for her to treasure and adore in perpetuity. I assure you.
Olawale Obadeyi is the CEO of Maximargins
Communications Limited
maximargins@gmail.co